Life Update: March 2017



So I don't really know where to begin with this... but I thought I'd just talk about where I'm at and why a few weeks ago I was absent from blogging. My mental health is directly correlated to how much I blog and how motivated I feel to blog. Up until a few weeks ago I didn't really feel great and I hadn't for a while which is why my blog posts are a little scarce.
I went on antidepressants last year in March time and I was on them till October/November. I really, really wanted to come off them. I never feel ashamed to be on them, for those who ask I happily will talk about my mental health. I try not to just drop into conversation "Hey lovely weather, by the way I'm on Citalopram cause I fucking hate myself" but I'm open with friends and family about the medication I am on and I would happily talk about it if someone approaches me about the subject. I probably don't talk about it to people as much as I should because I don't want to be a burden or that negative person who's always moaning and always got something wrong with them.

But I wanted to come off them for one reason really; the side effects. I do plan to do a post properly on the side effects because although antidepressants are incredible and life saving. They are not a complete cure and they go hand in hand with lots of side effects. These can vary person to person. My biggest thing was memory and concentration. They make me so forgetful. You know that feeling where you walk into a new room and forget why you're there. Its like that but constantly. And theres no time to write things down before you forget, because you almost forget the thought before its even become a thought. And I struggle to concentrate and they make you so so so tired. So as you can imagine all these side effects don't make you a model employee or friend.

Also I was dating a guy and the antidepressants I'm on effect your sex life. With some they make you want to stop having sex all together. I never had an issues with that... now if you're a family member and you're reading this maybe stop right now and go back to pretending I'm the virginal sweet gal you think I am. Anyways I didn't lose my 'mojo' I just struggle to reach the big O. And when a guy is whispering sweet nothings like "I'm going to make you come" and you're there like "I'd like to see you try, pal", I just felt like an inferior female. Which I know is really fucking stupid. I'd like to say the guy in no way encouraged me to come off them. It was my own decision. 

So I wanted to come off them more than I was actually ready to. But I was fine for a bit. That guy ended things and I felt a bit shit but got over it and had a nice Christmas. And then January hit and I just started to feel numb again. I kind of knew I wasn't ok when my housemate told me she was moving out because she wanted to move home. And I cried for three days straight and then pretended it wasn't happening for a month. Which is always a super healthy thing to do and then when she actually left I was a fucking wreck because I had pretended she wasn't going anywhere and everything I had been bottling up kind of hit me.

So the day after she left I started to take my antidepressants again because I knew I was not ok. I didn't want the massive side effects so I didn't take the dose my doctor originally prescribed and I would feel ok in the morning and then my mood would worsen throughout the day and I wasn't particularly nice to be around. In general, when you start taking antidepressants, they make you feel worse before you feel better. So I did that for a month and still not particularly better. So I went back to the doctor and they've upped my dose and in fairness my side effects have been lessened time. I don't know if its because I eased myself into it a little more or because my bodies used to them. But yeah I'm on antidepressants for the foreseeable future.
I also have a new housemate, another really close friend of mine which really helps. I love being alone but I'm equally not good at being alone. Too much and isolate myself a little too much but being around people too much makes me feel drained so thats an annoying little balance I'm forever as an introvert, trying to maintain. 
So yeah thats life and my mental health.

I always worry about posting these kind of posts. I've had nothing but positive feedback when I have but there's something in my head that makes me worry about whether I sound attention seeking or whether people will perceive me differently but I guess those are two of the biggest worries of anyone suffering with their mental health and why they sometimes don't share anything at all. I just want to live in a world where people feel just as comfortable talking about their mental health as they do their physical.

See my first post about my mental health here.